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[sleep-over voice] are you awake
[sleep-over reply voice] yeah
[regrettable sleepover invitee voice] you guys SHH
[confused sleep-over voice] what is the meaning of life
[annoyed sleep-over voice] dude shut up
[sleep-over host voice] you guys be quiet my moms gonna hear us
[unknown voice] you kids wanna buy some drugs
when u take off ur iphone case and it feels like ur holding a newborn
why do you ship the thing?
*pulls out binder full of laminated pages and photos, opens presentation on powerpoint, pulls up podium*
I’m glad you asked
Dentist: *Has multiple things in your mouth*
"So how’s school?"
What I’m really terrified of is leading an average, ordinary life with a regular job and an invariable routine, planned holidays, an average household, fixed responsibilities and not doing anything different to be remembered by.
i want to sit on a kitchen counter in my underwear at 3 am with you and talk about the universe
what do you call a message sent by a girl?
i got 7 messages saying this joke is offensive & that i’m the reason feminism exists
once when i was little, i claimed it was a teacher’s work day so i wouldn’t have to go to school and mom’s not an idiot so of course it didn’t work, but when we got to the school, we found it was a teacher’s work day and that made me think i had super powers so i started trying to kill classmates with my mind to confirm the theory
You thought you had super powers so you immediately attempted to murder everyone
go big or go home
i don’t wanna be famous for the fame
i wanna be famous so i can meet other famous people
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